Sigh. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know where I left off. Not sure how to explain the absence, lack of blogging and disappearance from the internet.
Start by starting, I guess. There are ways in which things for me are very good. I’m healthy. I have two wonderful sons, fantastic daughter-in-law and three beautiful grandsons. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. By all accounts, a good life.
But . . .
It has been almost 11 months since M died and, in some ways, it seems harder today than ever. I know that the holidays have a lot to do with that – the shorter days and the frequent rain don’t help either – but there are moments and days I honestly feel as though I’ll never stop crying.
Another contributing factor to the gloom is the amount of time I’m spending at our “old house,” the house M and I lived in for 24 years. I moved out of that house the week before Thanksgiving (six weeks ago) and have spent the time since then cleaning out the rooms and attic so I can put the house on the market. As I’m cleaning out, I’m finding lots of “stuff” that I had forgotten about.
Like all the letters M wrote to me when he was in the Air Force and stationed in Korea for a 12-month unaccompanied tour.
M and I were married in August 1984. We were stunned in December 1984 when he received those orders to Korea, because it meant that I would be staying in the USA without him and that he would have to leave when we had been married less than a year. I lived in NC, close to my family, while he went to Korea and did his USAF work.
I knew the letters were in the attic, but reading them again was especially poignant and sweet. In every one, you can see that he’s a young man at the beginning of his life, excited for the future and planning for what it will look like with his new bride. The hardest parts for me to read were the letters around birthdays and Christmas, when he promised me that we would never be separated for birthdays and Christmas again.
I know he didn’t mean to make me promises he couldn’t keep, but . . .
I was finally able to go back to church at the beginning of December for the first time since M died. I’ve been so angry with God that I didn’t want to be there AT ALL, but Advent is really my favorite time to be at church, so I decided to try – to see if I could do it. And I did. Wouldn’t you know it, the very first lesson in Sunday School that week was “Unanswered Prayers.” I didn’t pipe up and say, although I wanted to, that I believe God answers ALL prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. So, if you pray for healing and even if your faith is so strong that you believe your loved one can and will be healed at the eleventh hour, sometimes the answer will STILL be NO.
I know that’s the way it is. But it doesn’t make sense to me.
Which brings us to 2023, on this very first day of a new year. The trend now is to have a word with which to start the year, YOUR word for a new year. My word for 2022 was persistence. I’ve thought a lot about it and I think my word for 2023 is BETTER. 2023 may not be great or even good, but I plan on making it better. My diet and exercise routine may not be the best, but I will make them better. Even if things aren’t looking very bright at the moment, hopefully they will get better.
2023. Please, oh please let it be better.
I know it’s hard and he was not an old man. I also experience the death of my husband who was my soul mate. May you have “better” in this new year!!
Patricia – I’m so sorry you are also a member of this club. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I pray we both have better this year!
I’m sending you all the better energy I possibly can.
Thank you! Positive energy and better vibes!
It is so hard to move (and clean out and organize) after a loss. Trips down memory lane keeps me from going through ‘those boxes’. It can be heartbreaking all over again. I know your circumstances are unique, but I know it is hard.
My sister said that we spend the first 2/3 of our life accumulating stuff and the last 1/3 trying to figure out what to do with it.
There’s a part of me that thinks I should just put the boxes away without going through them, but then I think I can’t do that to the boys. Fortunately, I have a good friend who will sit with me and allows absolutely NO trips down memory lane, just a ruthless decision on “keep or toss.” It makes it go faster and it’s efficient. I swear she could hire herself out! 🙂
I loved hearing about the letters between you and M! I am so blessed to have letters my Grandfather sent my Grandmother when he was stationed in Italy during WWII. Like you, they had not been married long and she was expecting their first child (my father). The love is so evident in those letters and their long marriage proved it. Your honesty in your blog is so refreshing – sharing your experiences are helping so many!
Your grandparents letters sound amazing – I know you treasure them! I wish I had something like that. You’re such a good friend – thank you for being here and for all your support!
My hope for you is that it does get better. My experience is that it will, with occasional setbacks. Every family occasion that Brad has missed, graduations, a wedding, the upcoming birth of a grandchild feels so unfair yet we are all living life to the fullest. We do that to honor him because he so much wanted to live and we celebrate the memories of him along the way. I feel his presence in so many ways. Moving helped me begin healing so maybe when you are in a new place things will become much brighter for you. Ebb & Flow is the name of my house and you have an open invitation to visit and experience this healing place. Hang in there!!! Love, Robin
Ebb & Flow – I love it! Thank you for your sweet invitation! I’d love to come visit! Sometimes it’s hard to realize I’m not the only one mired in this horrible process – when you’re in the middle of this you can’t imagine that other people have been down this road, too. It’s just too awful to think about. And yet, here we are. Thank you for reaching out!
My Mom lost an 8 year old son, her sister and her sisters husband all in the mid 70s. We had to take in my 2 cousins to come live with us at ages of 8 and 10 since Mom and Dad had signed on as guardians. I remember seeing her reading *When Bad Things Happen to Good People” and realizing as a teen that this was very hard on both her and Dad. Heck.. they were in their 40s and had not expected this. It took a long time to figure out what God’s plan was for them in 70s.
There ended up being a lot of good to mitigate the bad but you had to look real hard to find it at times Hopefully you will find peace with all of this like my parents eventually did back then. Prayers for all of you and Happy New Year.
Wow – just wow! I knew about your brother, but I didn’t know the rest. I can’t imagine. I really can’t. I don’t know where your mother found the strength – I don’t know that I could have. She’s an amazing woman!. And a Braves fan, to boot! She’s my hero!
I always love reading your blog, Linda. It is raw, funny, sad, and hopeful—all the things that life is full of. You’ve had an awful lot to bear over the last couple of years. I have been angry at God myself some times and I do the same thing you do. After I have my bout of anger, I go back and find that God is still there. May 2023 truly be BETTER for you.
You’re right – this is what life is all about. Highs and lows, good and bad. I wanted nothing but happiness, but I guess that wasn’t going to happen. Thank you for being there and for all your support. I think about Grandmother Bundy losing a baby at two months old and I know we come from pretty strong women.
Thinking of you. ❤️
Thank you! Miss you!
I really hope things do feel a bit better this year for you. Grief is totally not linear, right? Sending you all the best.
Thank you – I keep thinking it’s got to be better. I wish grief WAS linear. That tomorrow would be better/easier than today. And then the day after even more so. But it just doesn’t work that way.
Linda sweet lady. Your infectious smile is missed. You are inspiring me- I may have to use 2 words. NO EXPECTATIONS. I have found myself often frustrated when attending events and/or gatherings because of what I expected to happen. Instead of going to just be present and ENJOY the moments. So I want to go without expectations of what I think should happen. 🎆❤️. Prayers for your year of BETTER.
I miss your smile and your positive attitude! You are always such a joy to be around. I need to send you a photo of how beautiful my mantle is in my new house. Much love to your and your husband!
Linda. You need to come join our walk/ run group. 6:00 at Joymongers. We have a huge group of walkers and WS good group of runners too that run intervals. All walks of life and my dear friend Beth that’s a widow as you and started a few months after her hubs passed away and has become one of my best friends. Please come join us!!
Oh yeah. On Tuesdays
Thank you Kay! I want to come out and start joining the walkers on Tuesdays. I’m going to be traveling for a few weeks, but I’ll be out there soon. Thank you so much for reaching out!